


Like staring at the sun

by JanaRumpandRCJawnn (JanaRumpandRCJawwn)



Series: Don’t look away [2]
Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Canon Compliant, Depression, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Future Fic, Insecure Tsukishima Kei, M/M, Unreliable Narrator
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-15
Updated: 2019-04-15
Packaged: 2020-01-14 11:34:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,440
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18475405
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JanaRumpandRCJawwn/pseuds/JanaRumpandRCJawnn
Summary: Kei knew he was a lacking boyfriend, it was just a fact derived from a set of objective observations, and now he was hyper aware of how much better Tadashi had always deserved. That said, he had two options staring him in the face: either he stepped up his game or sooner or later they’d fall apart.





	Like staring at the sun

**Author's Note:**

> Howdy, Jana going solo here once again. Please enjoy some depression projection

By the fifth day of gym that first week, Kei finished each set daydreaming of not actually being there. 

Ever since leaving high school he’d hardly kept active, only occasionally bending to pesky friends’ will and playing a match or two of volleyball. But now here he found himself, putting in one hour of exercise instead of relaxing during his midday pause at work and dreading it all the while. The thing is though, it still felt better than doing nothing about his… situation.

Truth be told, despite the whole fiasco being no more than a crass misunderstanding, the shock and hours of speculation had left their mark. Kei knew he was a lacking boyfriend, it was just a fact derived from a set of objective observations, and now he was hyper aware of how much better Tadashi had always deserved. That said, he had two options staring him in the face: either he stepped up his game or sooner or later they’d fall apart, and Kei didn’t know if he could ever actually recover from the later. So here he was, sweating, trembling and glaring at his own reflection on the wall of mirrors that very helpfully tossed some of his many flaws back in his face.

Kei had never been one to eat much, and during college, cooking and eating by himself most of the time, he’d managed to lose pretty much all the muscle mass acquired at Karasuno. Getting his internship and now actual job at the firm, time consuming as it was, just meant he had no one to notice when he skipped a meal or four, and thus here he found himself, underweight and very much showing it.

For the umpteenth time in the last few days Kei scrutinized his figure on the mirror. Too thin, too pale, undefined muscles, knobbly knees and shoulders. He wasn’t one to care much for his appearance, but then he was hardly the only one to be considered here. Tadashi had always been beautiful to him, but nowadays he’d dare anyone to disagree how remarkable his boyfriend was. He was tan and strong, skin as soft as his hands were calloused, and his smiles as present as they were lovely. Now that Kei was thinking (and thinking ang thinking) about it, he couldn’t avoid admitting how poor of a match he was, couldn’t help but wonder if everyone around them saw that too, if Tadashi agreed.

He couldn’t do much other than beat himself into shape, mold his body into something at least a bit desirable, and by the gods he was gonna do it as soon as physically possible.

Finally done with cool down stretches barely five minutes before he had to rush through a shower and a protein shake, he was somewhat pleased with himself despite the distaste he had to power through.

…

Another front in urgent need of improvement was his utter inability to socialize. Once out of his shell Tadashi was a man of many friends and acquaintances, breezing his way into social gatherings by the sole virtue of being so easy to like, so easy to talk to. As children they had been more alike, prone to huddling together in some corner and pass the time between dinosaur books and pokemon games, but he had grown so much and Kei saw himself lagging behind.

It’s not that it was hard for him to talk to people per se, it’s just he very much did not care for it, did not see the need for all the noise and excitement. His boyfriend did, though. Tadashi thrived among others now, was adored by all the kids he coached and friendly with all their parents, had no less than a dozen college friends who frequently invited him to gatherings, still kept in touch with many from high school even years later.

 _That_ night had been far from the first night out Kei had wormed his way out of, for once with a legitimate excuse. He almost never went out with Tadashi himself to begin with, and declined practically every invitation extended to him from his boyfriend’s ever increasing social circle. And he’d convinced himself that wasn’t a problem, but then came the reality check that Tadashi could be with anyone in all those occasions he fled from, could be anywhere and doing anything and Kei would be none the wiser until it was too late.

It wasn’t a matter of jealousy, far from that, but fact is Tadashi surely would appreciate someone who could keep up with him, who could be pleasant to his many friends, who could accompany him to events and overall be a present boyfriend. Fact is Kei had to make an effort or face the consequences.

All in all, Yachi and Shimizu were by far the best choice of guests he had at hand. The couple lived close enough, were familiar enough that he wouldn’t feel so uncomfortable and didn’t make a habit of yammering away like Hinata and thus testing his meager patience. As soon as both he and Tadashi had a rare weekend free of any work related obligations did Kei invite them to spend the afternoon at their place.

“Hey, handsome.” For once Kei took notice of the compliment and didn’t chalk it up to Tadashi making fun of him, sore all over and knowing results of his hard work were coming in nicely enough. “What you doing up so early?” Tadashi continued with a yawn, rubbing at his eyes, hair still a charming mess. Their cats tagged along, Bubble having already begged her way into his arms, Berry clinging to his wrinkled pajama pants.

Kei stopped what he was doing to go and kiss him deeply, morning breath and all, trying to translate all he felt into action.

“Good morning to you too, babe.” His boyfriend teased, sleepy smile distracting Kei for quite a few seconds before he stepped back to their small counter completely covered by ingredients and utensils, proceeding with preparations.

“Someone had to set up for lunch, and you were snoring too much to be considered a candidate.”

Tadashi snorted, hip checking him to get to the bowls in their cabinet.

“Prick. Why all this stuff anyway, any special occasion I don’t  
know about?” 

“We wouldn’t want the guests to starve, not very polite.”

His boyfriend gaped for a moment, much to Kei’s amusement. “Guests?”

“Yachi and Shimizu are getting here in… about two hours. I’d go shower if I were you.”

In response, all Tadashi did at first was stare at him as if he had suddenly sprouted an extra arm. He only smirked, enjoying the view. 

“Who are you and what did you do to my Tsukki?” He came up with at last, excitement plain to see. Kei didn’t even draft an explanation, happy to not bring any more attention to how little he’d been doing for Tadashi until now, instead shooing him towards the bathroom with another kiss.

He still had quite some work to do, but for now let himself bask in the feeling of accomplishment.

…

After knowing Tadashi for so many years, practically all his life, the way he’d come to look still caught Kei off guard every now and then. His hair was longer than ever, curling just below his shoulders, his ears were now pierced in a dozen places, his eyes more often than not were lined in dark, striking colors. His clothes were almost all just asymmetrical or colorful enough to entrap anyone’s attention at first glance, his posture exuded ease and confidence even if sometimes he felt unsteady still. 

Kei, though, was none of that. Maybe one could consider his height or light hair remarkable, but that said absolutely nothing of him as a person. He dressed average, suits for work the most effort he demonstrated. His haircut bore no thought, his face was always bare, his body sporting exactly zero evidence of who he was - or perhaps not, perhaps that showed exactly who he was, bland, unoriginal, boring.

Seeing recent photos of them was an exercise in abstraction, working through the discrepancy to find a relationship that made some semblance of sense. Kei tended to avoid those, but now that he looked for them he realized their frequency had noticeably tapered off - a barrage through high school, some for every time they saw each other during college, barely one a month nowadays. He couldn’t help but ask himself why, if it was a natural development of them living together or if Tadashi had just gotten bored of collecting evidence of uneventful times.

With that in mind he bit back a grimace and for the first time ever was the one to revive their four person chat. Amidst Yachi’s numerous exclamations, Hinata’s all uppercase phrases, and Tadashi’s copious use of kaomoji they were able to set up a date to go out to a nightclub. No matter how he was already tired just thinking about it, having Tadashi jump on him with a squeal as soon as the other got home that night was more than enough to make up for it.

When the dreaded night came about, he let Tadashi have his fun dressing him up in borrowed clothes, painted his boyfriend’s nails himself and studiously maintained a spring in his step as they headed out.

“Waaaa!” Was Hinata’s characteristically intelligent greeting upon seeing them arrive, hands clasped and bodies close against the chill. “Stingyshima actually came!”

Kageyama, stuck to his side as usual, seemed equally surprised. Only Yachi, good soul she was, skipped ahead to hug them both. Tadashi and the two shrimps immediately launched into rapid conversation, Kei and Kageyama quietly tagging along into the too loud club. 

Inside it was as displeasing as he’d expected it to be, music thumping hard enough to damage his organs, air stale and lights flashing. The group headed as a whole to the bar, everyone getting shots to start other than Kei, who couldn’t mix alcohol with his medication in the first place - regrettably, as kissing some of his brain function goodbye for the time being seemed like a great idea when faced by the prospect of hours upon hours of partying before going back to their warm, soft, heavenly bed.

As time went by Tadashi got clingier and jumpier, managing to drag Kei to dance for quite a while before he honestly couldn’t take it anymore and headed to sit by the bar, resigned to just watch the others until one of them began to drop and called it a night. On the dance floor Tadashi seemed to be having the time of his life, sticking close to Yachi while Hinata and Kageyama disappeared somewhere, probably to make out like the teenagers they still seemed to be. While his beaming smile went a long way to warming Kei’s heart, he found himself drifting a bit.

For a while right then it felt like him and his body weren’t exactly one and only. It felt surreal to be there, playing a part he knew deep down he’d never really fit in, but what could he do? His comfort zone was clearly way too narrow, his tastes much too dull. All he had to offer genuinely were silent evenings at home with a book or case files, rearranging Bean’s habitat to fit whatever new piece one of them had bought, rewatching nature documentaries of which they already knew the whole text. At least he did think Tadashi liked all that, though (after all, he must be with Kei after so many years for some reason, even if it’s mostly convenience). So there he remained, calling forth a smile every time the others looked over, sipping on water from a too heavy bottle.

…

Sometimes, when Kei felt like nothing was quite right, he tended to tidying up the house to the millimeter. Many a time Tadashi’s things lying around irritated him, but now he took the time to stop and examine the situation.

Looking around, their whole place was filled by stuff Kei himself had brought, from their pillow cases to their very pets. Everything had been mostly his decision in one way or another, though admittedly a lot of it had been acquired with Tadashi in mind in the first place. 

It all screamed selfishness, if one asked him. How had he never before come to the conclusion that this must be exhausting for Tadashi, to come to a home where Kei had the last word on everything, where he’d be constantly nagged by a boyfriend that every other day couldn’t stand to have things out of their arbitrarily assigned places? 

So for a while he tried his best to just keep his goddamn mouth shut. When Tadashi took his socks off in the middle of the night and forgot them between the covers three pairs at a time, when he left his work folders all over their tiny living room, when he put cups in the shelf reserved for bowls, when he didn’t shut off his console properly and the cursed thing flashed a tiny light the whole night that kept Kei awake for hours and hours.

Breakfast that Sunday, after two sleepless nights in a row, was a discouragingly quiet affair. Tadashi was all small smiles and searching eyes, and for the life of him Kei couldn’t work up the energy to figure out what his boyfriend wanted to see. Too soon he was getting up, unable to finish his bowl of rice, hurrying to the sink to make himself useful. His hands couldn’t seem to cooperate though, and following the third piece of cutlery slipping from his grip he nonsensically wanted to cry.

“Kei?” Tadashi’s voice was soft, gentle, and Kei somehow couldn’t bear to hear it like that right then. Here he was worrying his boyfriend when what he should be doing instead was be good for him, being too much work to handle when all he wanted to be was someone Tadashi would never hesitate to come back to, to stick by, to choose to love.

“I’m sorry.” He rasped back, willing himself to regain composure, to be better. “It’s nothing, just tired.”

For a long minute there was silence, nothing but the flow of water and clinking of china and pumping of blood in his ears. Then the slight sound of Tadashi’s bare footsteps coming closer.

“We need to talk, Kei. Please look at me.” That seemed like an awful idea at the moment, but he couldn’t very well just refuse and walk away without causing even more worry. He mirrored Tadashi’s position leaning hip against the counter, struggling to meet his eyes, to not fiddle with his fingers in what they both knew very well was a tell of distress. “What are you thinking about right now, babe?”

It should be easy to answer such a simple question, shouldn’t it? He should be thinking about work, about a movie he wanted to see, about Tadashi himself. He shouldn’t be fixated on an end he couldn’t really avoid, just push back for as long as he had the strength to do so. Shouldn’t be letting his fear sour what they still had for now, shouldn’t be so damn pathetic in the first place. So mediocre, so replaceable.

“I’m…” He paused despite himself, mouth too dry, tongue too numb to keep a pretense of normality. The frustration only mounted, but he was too tired to even be angry at himself. “I’m sorry.”

“About what?” Tadashi was all patience as he pressed, and for the life of him Kei didn’t know how to feel about that.

Well, seems like honesty was all he could offer right now, no? No matter how hard he tried he’d never be able to truly fool Tadashi, they’d known each other for too long for that. Tadashi knew his every expression by now, his every line of thought, every flaw he could ever attempt to tuck away, and any resistance was futile.

“I’m trying to do better, it’s just-” Just he’s simply not enough, just they both know Tadashi could do far better, just he can’t let go either way.

“Better? How so?”

Kei recognized the pattern very well, the way Tadashi would talk him through a crisis, tenderly helping him untangle whatever he had in mind. It was at once a comfort and a burden, to be cared for like this when he clearly didn’t deserve the effort. Tadashi’s cheek was the closest he could get to his boyfriend’s eyes right now, and he breathed deep to give himself a sliver of time.

“Better for you.”

“You’re great for me, Kei. Why would you think otherwise?”

He flinched at the reassurance, tight throat strangling most of what came forth. Arms crossed on his chest, Kei pushed through.

“A couple months ago, when I went back for mom’s birthday.” Tadashi frowned, but didn’t interrupt, and he resisted the will to fidget. “You sent me that message.”

For a moment Tadashi visibly raked his memory, concentration hardening his beautiful face. “About the cheesecake?”

It did sound stupid when he put it like that, but in for a penny, in for a pound.

“I thought you had cheated on me,” Tadashi spluttered again, obviously having something to say, but Kei kept going. “And I didn’t blame you. I didn’t because I knew- I know it would have been my fault. I know you deserve better than I’ve been giving you, but I-” His voice faltered as if he was a teenager all over again, and his eyes fixed on the ground, hands gripping himself tight. “I love you, and I want you to stay, and I’m trying to be what you deserve.”

Kei finally shut up, depleted of the will to explain himself any further, relieved and appalled at having said so much. Tadashi looked like he’d found the last piece to a puzzle. Slowly he reached for Kei’s white knuckled hands, warming them with his own when he found no resistance.

“Love, I need you to listen to me. I understand you can’t see it right now, I know you love me so much, and I love you too, just the way you are. I love our home, and our ill mannered babies, and our life together. I choose to be with you every day and I’ve never regretted that choice.” 

He huffed at that, gulping down the emotions that scrambled to spill out of him. Tadashi poked at his stomach lightheartedly.

“Don’t give me that, mister. Please trust me if you can’t trust yourself right now. I don’t need you to change you for me.”

“But I know you liked it when we went out last week, or when the girls came by. And I’m getting in shape again too.” _For you to want me_ , he didn’t say, but Tadashi got the gist all the same.

“I did like that, and I do think it’s good for you to get out a bit, but you don’t have to do any of that to keep me, babe. We’re a team, we gotta work through things together.”

At that he snorted, amused despite himself. “Yes, coach.”

“You better mean that.” Tadashi poked him again before pulling him into a firm hug, throwing him back to so many warm memories he reeled from it. When his boyfriend pulled back it was to pull his face down into a kiss, and for a moment it made everything seem alright after all.

Kei gulped a breath as he straightened back up, weight eased off his shoulders for the time being though the unsteadiness stubbornly remained. Tadashi faced him with his heart on his sleeve as usual, smile unwavering when Kei needed it the most.

He was led back to bed, dishes forgotten, teeth unbrushed. Bubble and Berry were already there, the rascals, and Tadashi went back out for a minute before coming back with Bean in hand, the lizard rushing to paw obnoxiously at Kei’s face the second he was put down on his chest. Tadashi wasted no time in fitting himself on the other side of the bed, curling around his arm and kissing his cheek soft enough to almost make him tear up all over again.

They both knew very well this wasn’t the end of things, that Kei wouldn’t shed all his insecurities in face of a few comforting words, but baby steps were still steps in the right direction all the same. And if only for now he managed to close his eyes and believe they would be just fine.

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you liked this little piece, please leave kudos and comments at will. Things are hard sometimes, but find that which you can rely on and fighto!


End file.
